An Open Letter to Glitter

I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault you were created this way; it’s simply what you are. But Glitter, I cannot stand you. The amount of hatred in my heart for you is boundless. You are worse than sand. At least sand can wash off. At least sand is confined to one place on special occasion. But you, Glitter, you are everywhere, omnipresent, contaminating everything you touch. Water makes you stick more, trying to brush you off just moves you to a different hand. You cover everything at Christmas time. Every year, you infest my house with your sparkly, sticky, despicably cheery self. When I see you on wrapping paper or Christmas bows, all I want to do is set that present on fire.

The breaking point came when I was at basketball camp. There was no Glitter in sight. Why would there be? We were spending the night in a dorm, having fun and celebrating our win. I thought I was safe from you.

But I wasn’t.

The next morning, as I struggled to put my contact lenses in, my eyes red and watering from pain, I realized it was all because of you. You, Glitter, were in my contact lens. You were the cause of unbearable pain. I’m sorry Glitter, but I hate you. I can’t escape you. I can’t defeat you. You’ve won for now. But not for long.

In my future, Glitter has been eradicated. You are but a faint, painful memory of the past. A relic of an ancient time when arts and crafts were nothing sacred, as they are now. Glitter will be seen as the lowest of the low, a punishment from God for some injustice, or a reward from Satan for some despicable act. We will look upon these dark times and admire the perseverance of the human race to continue in the face of such adversity. Glitter, you will be vanquished, one day. I will not rest until that glorious day when you have been purged from the face of the earth. Hopefully, that is one day soon.

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